


Dougal's Parish Adventures

by thespiderbaby



Category: Father Ted
Genre: Biblical References, Gen, School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 09:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9878951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/thespiderbaby
Summary: Ted is busy, so Dougal is put in charge of the local school assembly.





	

"Dougal, you're going to have to do the school assembly this week. I completely forgot that Mr Carpenter's funeral was tomorrow, and I think doing the school assembly would be the safest job for you. God...you do so much to help your parishioners and then they go and die on you! Talk about ungrateful."  
"Fair enough, Ted," Dougal replied, settling into bed. "How hard can it be? All I need to do is sing some hymns and read a story from the Bible. And before I know it I'll be making a lot of money for my incredible reading and performing skills."  
"Dougal, you don't actually get paid for this. I volunteer to do assemblies for the school out of the goodness of my heart."  
Dougal blinked. "I didn't think you had that sort of goodness in your heart, Ted."  
There was silence as Ted stumbled over his words, trying to come up with a clever comeback. "Dougal, do you really think I'm that greedy? I care about other things than money, you know."  
"Like what, Ted?"  
"Well, here's a wild thought, but perhaps the whole reason I became a priest in the first place was because I was passionate about my religious belie- look, Dougal, just go to sleep!"  
Ted clicked off the light.   
"Ah Ted, I didn't mean it. I think you're a lovely person really, and not a bit greedy, even if you did steal all that money."  
Ted pretended to snore loudly. 

 

When Dougal woke up, Ted had already gone to the funeral. Dougal set about packing his things for the school assembly. He had done some little cartoons that he could show the children when he was reading them Bible stories. He'd worked on them for a long time, so he hoped his art would be appreciated. Dougal couldn't find his own Bible, so he picked up Ted's from his bedside table and put that in his bag. Dougal had his breakfast, got his bike and made his way to school. 

 

The Craggy Island Primary School had less than a hundred students, and they were already packed into the tiny hall when Dougal arrived. Mrs Lear, the headmistress, clapped her hands together to get the students' attention. "Children, we have a treat for you today. As Father Crilly cannot take assembly today, Father McGuire is going to read you a story from the Bible, and he will then lead you in the prayers"  
"Good morning Father McGuirrrrrrre," the children chorused. "Good morning everyone."  
"Uhh...hello!" Dougal was suddenly very aware of everyone staring at him. He hoped his assembly would be up to Ted's standard. He opened the Bible to the page marked by an 'I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrichert!' bookmark.   
"Right, lets get started then! In the-" Dougal stopped suddenly and stared down at the page, his face quickly turning red. He couldn't read this! It couldn't be the Bible! It was...rude! Dougal had never read anything like it! He looked at the cover; it read 'The Holy Bible'. But when he lifted the dust jacket, he realised he was holding a copy of 'Seduction at Midnight'. He'd have to bring this up with Ted later. However, all he could do was let out a cry and drop the 'Bible', prompting very shocked reactions from the schoolchildren and their teachers. How could a priest do something so disrespectful?  
"Um...," Dougal looked around at the 30 or so faces staring up at him. "Whoops, the nerves must've got to me! It's been a while...been a while since I've done anything like this. Ted- er, Father Crilly hardly ever lets me do stuff around the parish..." he mumbled. He looked again at the children, whose faces hadn't changed and were staring up at him, unblinking. "Oh, right! You want me to tell you a Bible story, don't you? Do I really have to do that? I mean, they only tell you the same 5 Bible stories in these assemblies. One of you could probably tell the story instead of me. Is that allowed? Or could I tell you a different story? The most amazing thing happened to me the other weeken-"   
Dougal was cut off by one of the teachers coughing rather loudly.   
"Oh. Right. The Bible, then," Dougal said. "Now, if you said it was the greatest book ever, you'd be wrong. Because it's actually 73 books in one! Isn't that just fantastic? And I've read all of them! I bet Ted hasn't. And that's why he's only the second best priest. Don't tell him I said that though. Anyway, in the Bible, there's loads of great parables, like the one about the missing sheep." Dougal rummaged around in his bag and pulled out a big roll of paper with a drawing of a shepherd and his flock on it.   
"This lad had one hundred sheep! One of them went missing and he left behind the other sheep while he searched for the missing one. It reminds me of when I went on a pilgrimage and Ted came to find me when I got separated from the rest of the group. I was scared that they'd forgotten me, but Ted came to the rescue in the end..."

The rest of the assembly went smoothly, despite Dougal frequently going off on tangents. The children didn't seem to mind, and were engaged fully as Dougal pulled more and more pictures of sheep out of his bag.   
"They're the only thing I can draw," he admitted, slightly embarrassed. When it was time for him to go, the teachers all thanked him and told him they hoped he could come back soon. Dougal didn't know what to do; he never usually had this much attention directed at him.

A week later, at the parochial house, Dougal received a 'phone call from the school. They no longer wanted Ted's 'boring' assemblies, as they had enjoyed Dougal's retelling of the Bible much more. Dougal would have to think about how to break this news to Ted. Gently, he supposed.

**Author's Note:**

> My friend Cerys gave me the prompt for this ages ago- I think it was simply "Dougal has some shenanigans" ANYWAY I've finally written it!  
> Maybe I'll make this into a series where Dougal has a different adventure each chapter, if I can think of anything else.


End file.
